In today’s episode, I ask the question: What does Jesus mean when he tells us to hate our parents?
In Luke 14:25-27, Jesus says: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
Those are some pretty strong words. Does Jesus really want us to hate our parents and our wife and children?
If you’re like me, then your gut reaction is No! Of course, Jesus doesn’t want us to hate our parents. He doesn’t want us to hate anyone. Jesus is all about love. Jesus wants us to love everyone, even our enemies.
So, what is Jesus talking about? To answer this question, we need to dig a little deeper. First, we need to examine the context. Jesus has been talking about discipleship. Jesus says that following him will not be easy. Following Jesus comes with a cost. It may even cost everything.
Matthew records the saying like this:
Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:34-37)
What does discipleship cost? Discipleship may cost you your family. Following Jesus may even cost you your life.
It’s easy to accept Matthew’s version, but Luke’s version, where he uses the stronger word hate, is harder to accept.
Let’s take a step back and summarize Jesus’ attitude about family. Going all the way back to when Jesus was a young boy, maybe only ten years old, we see that Jesus has a different view about the importance of family.
Now his parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up according to custom. And when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, but supposing him to be in the group they went a day’s journey, but then they began to search for him among their relatives and acquaintances, and when they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem, searching for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. And when his parents saw him, they were astonished. And his mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:41-49)
Jesus walks away from his family to spend time in the Temple with the Jewish scholars. When his parents asked him why he walked away from them, he replied that his primary allegiance was to his heavenly father.
At another time, Jesus’ mother and brothers came and wanted to speak with Jesus, but Jesus said: “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother (Matthew 12:47-50).”
Does this mean that Jesus denigrates love for family? Absolutely not. Jesus made bold statements about filial love—love for parents.
For example, Jesus criticized the Pharisees for having a tradition that allowed the possibility of withholding financial assistance to aging parents. We read about this in Matthew 15:4-6: “God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ But you say, ‘If anyone tells his father or his mother, “What you would have gained from me is given to God,” he need not honor his father.’ So for the sake of your tradition, you have made void the word of God.“
Jesus emphasized the importance of honoring your parents.
We see another example of the importance of filial love, love for parents, when Jesus is asked about which commandments are necessary for eternal life. Jesus says, “If you want to enter life, keep the commandments. . . Honor your father and mother and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 19:17, 19).”
Jesus elevates the importance of honoring mother and father as necessary for obtaining eternal life. Jesus promoted the concept of filial love.
So, on the one hand, Jesus promotes love for parents, yet on the other hand, he denigrates love to parents if—and this is a big if—if your love for parents or wife or children interferes with following him.
Listen to these verses. Jesus called a man to follow him, but the man replied:
“Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”
(Luke 9:59-62)
As radical as forsaking one’s family may seem, Jesus’ apostles obeyed Jesus’ instructions and abandoned their families. Peter said: “See, we have left our homes and followed you.” And [Jesus] said to them, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life (Mark 18:28-30).”
Let’s go back to our original question. What does Jesus mean when he says, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple (Luke 14:25-27).”
Does Jesus really call us to hate our parents? C.F. Evans says that Luke’s wording may be an example of “the Semitic expression of preference by means of antithesis – ‘I love A and hate B’ meaning ‘I prefer A to B,’ ”.
Evans refers us to Genesis 29:30-31, 33: “So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah, and served Laban for another seven years. When the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. . . She conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Because the Lord has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also.”
In other words, to love one person over another person is like hating the other person. Jesus wants us to love him so much that it’s almost like hating our family. If you intend to follow Jesus, you must be willing to renounce your family.
Fortunately, in our culture anyways, it rarely comes down to having to choose Jesus over family. In other cultures, however, the cost can be very real.
There was a time in Japan when following Jesus meant turning your back on your family and everything else in Japanese society. There was no middle ground.
In Jewish families, becoming a Christian may mean the loss of all family ties.
In Muslim families, it’s even more serious. Converting to Christ may mean your family feels obligated to kill you.
There is no doubt that Jesus upheld the importance of the family. This teaching is reflected in Paul’s instructions where he says: “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8).”
At the same time, however, when the choice is between following our family or following God, we must always choose to follow God.
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